Communication Guidelines
Communications are reviewed with the goal of improving communication and reducing conflict. Communication that follows the Communication Guidelines will typically achieve this goal.
In the review process, it is the communication as a whole and how that communication fits within the conversation that drives the final review decisions. Everything is taken into context in the communication review process. That said, the process involves an analysis of each communication within the context of adherence to its Communications Guidelines. Although not absolute, strict rules,[i] the reviewers take the following guidelines into consideration when reviewing communication content. As a result, the review process involves both objective and subjective components.
At times, the review process may seem to yield inconsistent results. However, please avoid making comparisons between reviews, given the complexities of communication. Instead, try to keep an open mind and focus on the overall intention of the review team and the intended result: more efficient, less confrontational, and more productive communication.
Also, please note that communications dealing with medical, child welfare, or legal topics are unedited to the extent possible while still maintaining a civil and productive conversation to ensure that nothing is lost through transition and that the message can be forwarded without delay.
THE FOLLOWING ARE ENCOURAGED:
Communication should be focused on Co-Parenting Topics unless otherwise agreed upon.
Consider drafting in bullet or outline format rather than letter format (inserting lines or spacing between your points). The bullet format is easier to read and comprehend.
Avoid Lengthy Communications. Communications are limited to 1000 characters. This results in more focused and manageable communication.
Single Topic per category. Unless the communication involves a weekly update, limiting conversations to a single topic enables a more efficient discussion and results in a higher likelihood of resolution.
Please & Thank You: A "Please" may change what is perceived as a directing statement into a polite request. A "Thank you" is encouraged if you are truly thanking the other party for something, not in advance or as a closing statement.
Support Statements by including the Communication ID if appropriate. Upload, and attach files if referring to an outside conversation or third-party communication such as an email or document. If you are referring to court orders, upload the order to the library, attach the order to the communication, reference the name of the order, date filed, section or page, and quote the relevant language to support your position. Otherwise, it would be considered your recollection or understanding of the orders.
Forward-Looking Statements: Generally, it is better to leave negative events from the past in the past, opting instead to move forward with a new proposal. Bringing up something negative that may have happened in the past will not likely advance the conversation positively. An exception to this would be a reference to an example of how similar situations were resolved positively in the past and suggesting a similar resolution to a current situation.
First Person: Speaking in the first person is preferred when referencing feelings, understanding, point of view, etc. (It is my understanding, I feel, I believe, etc.).
THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE AVOIDED:
LEVEL I– Although the lowest in priority, the following should be taken into consideration when drafting.
Greeting & Closing: There is no need to start each communication with a Greeting, i.e., Hi, Hello, Dear, Recipient’s Name, etc. Likewise, there is no need for a Closing, i.e., Sincerely, Thank you, Your Name, etc. The result is a much easier and more efficient form of communication.
Pleasantries are discouraged and may be considered less than sincere.
Have a great weekend.
Happy Birthday
Condolences are allowed and encouraged for family, friends, pets, etc.
Emotional Statements: Try to avoid including words such as "Happy," "Love," "Hate," "Despise," etc.
All CAPS or Special Characters representing other words, overemphasizing emotion.
Unnecessary Information - Is informing the other party of something they would already be aware of or they do not need to know in order to co-parent, i.e., personal information, age of the child, day or the week or month, how long you have waited for a response, etc.
Unnecessary Transition or Lead-In Words:
Can you...
Additionally, In addition
Also, However, Again, Honestly
As I've told you before, As I've said before, As I’ve mentioned before
First of all, Second, Third…
Finally
To summarize
Unclear References:
Third Person References are the He/She/It/They perspective. Talking about yourself or the other party indirectly.
Third-Person References or the other party's name should not be used in your communications. All of your communication is from you to the other party and should be drafted in the first person (I/we). It would not be appropriate to refer to the party you are speaking to as "he," "she," or by their name. It would also not be appropriate to refer to yourself as a “Mother” or “Father” or your name.
Mother will be taking her vacation… (referring to yourself)
Father would like his daily call… (referring to yourself)
Father will be spending time with the children this weekend… (referring to yourself)
Will Mother be spending time with the children this weekend? (referring to the other party)
"We, Us, and Our" Statements: Since the court order (and use of this service) only includes two parties, "We, Us, and Our" Statements should be avoided unless you are clearly referring to yourself and the other party on the account. Otherwise, define who is included in "We," "Us," or "Our," i.e., "The children and I are on the way to the exchange. We will be there in ten minutes." After a "We" is defined, then it can be used in the remaining portion of your communication.
Possessive Language: Referring to the child(ren), i.e., My Daughter or My Son. The children should be referred to by name, our children, or the first letter of their name is fine also.
LEVEL II – While not confrontational or egregious, the following list is comprised of more significant communication elements to be avoided.
Documenting for the sole purpose of documenting is discouraged. If the documenting statement does not support a request, question, or position, it is considered documenting.
I just want you to know you were 2 minutes late.
For the record, I want to state that...
I didn’t receive my daily phone call.
The children tried to call you but did not get an answer.
Repetitive Statements or Requests: Do not make the same statement, request, or ask the same question multiple times if the other party is not responding. Give the other party at least 24 hours to respond before prompting a response.
Asked & Answered: Once you have asked a question or a request and the other party has responded, respect their answer, and do not ask again, hoping for a different answer. If the response is not clear, then a request for clarification would not be inappropriate. Additional reconsideration requests or inquiries may be appropriate if there is additional information, details, a new proposal, a lapse of time, etc.
Unnecessary:
Best Interest Statements: If the parties have custody or visitation of the child(ren), the court has already established that both parties have the best interests of the child(ren) in mind. It may be insulting to the other party to say that you have the children’s best interest in mind with your comments, implying that they may not. Also, once used once, the statement often quickly becomes a justification for every communication.
Checking on the Child(ren): If you do not hear from the child(ren) or do not receive an expected call, do not assume the worst and ask the other party if the child(ren) is “Okay.” These types of statements will likely be received negatively. If something is wrong, trust that you will be notified.
Is the child(ren) ok?
Is everyone ok?
Reminders regarding the information included in the Court Orders or PRE/CFI reports, or routine daily tasks.
Reminder, the orders require you to…
Reminder, disparaging statements are prohibited…
Reminder, the CFI report recommended that you…
Exception: Please note that if you would like to add a reminder about a schedule change that is not typical of the normal schedule, school schedule, or a reminder about sending a certain item for an exchange, or something similar, that is fine.
Assuming Statements: If it is something you need to verify, it is better to ask a question.
Assuming or I assume
As you know
Obviously
Apparently
Clearly, It is clear
Passing Information: Communication or requests should come from you to the other party.
Do not relay how the child(ren) or some other third party might be feeling or what they would like or not like, etc.
Think of yourself as an advocate for the child(ren). The request should come from you as their advocate. This will help keep the children out of the middle of the co-parenting discussion.
A parent that passes information from the child(ren) to the other parent may appear that they are more in touch with the child(ren) and they need to speak for the child(ren), it may imply a closer relationship with the child(ren). It is fine to word the request as “It is my understanding…” or “I believe…” or “What are your thoughts about the child doing…”.
The child asked me to ask you…
The child would like you to…
Please tell the child...
The child wanted me to tell you…
The child is feeling sad…
The child feels that you were unfair…
The teacher would like you to call...
My attorney would like you to contact them...
The children would like you to take them to the zoo…
The children do not like your new friend…
Hearsay Statements: Repeating something someone other than the other party, such as your child, has told you. If the other party told you something, it must be clear that the statement was made directly to you by the other party.
Repeating information received from the child(ren) or someone other than the other party that cannot be substantiated.
Hearsay evidence, in a legal forum, is testimony from an under-oath witness who is reciting an out-of-court statement, the content of which is being offered to prove the truth of the matter asserted. The statement may be written, oral, or non-verbal, provided it is intended as an assertion.
Example statements would include:
said
mentioned
expressed
told me
communicated
stated
shared
recommended
indicated
informed
advised
A way to bring up a topic that you may have heard from someone else, including the minor(s), is to start the "It is my understanding," but this should not be considered a "catch-all" for all hearsay statements. This would only be permitted for non-accusatory statements. A statement like "It is my understanding you are a jerk..." would not be permitted, but a statement like "It is my understanding the child would like to play soccer" would be acceptable.
Exception: The exception to the hearsay rule is if is medical or child welfare-related or from a professional that both parties have access to, such as a doctor, nurse, therapist, teacher, coach, parental coordinator, etc., and the hearsay is regarding the child. If possible, supporting documentation is encouraged to avoid disputes. See “Support Statements” near the top of the page.
LEVEL III – Please avoid the following in all of your communication.
Second Person references are the “You” perspective. Talking about the other party to the other party.
You always...
You are…
Confrontational or Accusing Statements: Typically, begin or include a “You.” Try to use more "I" statements to avoid communication perceived as directing, accusing, or confrontational.
You...
Unilateral, Unilaterally...
Lied, Stole, Took...
In Violation...
Directing Statements: Typically, are telling the other party what to do, how to do it, when to do it, or giving permission.
You can..., You should..., You need to..., You are welcome to…
I expect…
Feel free to…
Keep in mind…
I need you to…
Passive-Aggressive Statements: Include a hidden or implied meaning. A direct request is encouraged rather than an implied request.
Since these types of statements may be misinterpreted, it is best to avoid them.
Hopefully, I hope…, I hope that you will…, I had hoped we could avoid court…
I’m confused…
I would appreciate it…
Unfortunately, it’s unfortunate…
Sorry (when not actually “sorry”)
I'm surprised…, I was surprised…, It was surprising…
I am 100%...
In Fact...
Obviously
Apparently
Clearly, It is clear
Can you explain..., Please explain...
Thank you (If you are not actually thanking the other party for something)
Threatening Statements:Informing the other party of your intention of contacting the police, child protective services, your attorney, future legal action such as filing a motion or filing contempt, or "If" statements that are intended to coerce action/inaction or intimidate (being a bully).
If you do not do this, I will do this…
If you do this, I will do that…
Exception: Conditional statements regarding a requirement of current orders, appropriately cited, would be allowed.
[i] Any of the above-mentioned guidelines can be modified by agreement of the parties or by court order. In addition, restrictions can be added to the account by either party if the restriction is considered reasonable and would not cause a violation of the order.